13 ideas for two
tonightDesire · words · sensations
Intimacy on your terms
From playing with words —
to discovering wax play.
As the evenings grow longer, nights in leave a little more room to experiment. A special form of address can introduce a new role, a blindfold can change a familiar game, and a rope or paddle can finally open up a conversation about a fantasy you have been saving for “someday”.
We have put together 13 BDSM practices to explore this autumn, from playing with words to discovering restraints, impact toys and wax. Choose what interests you both and suits your experience. Agree on boundaries and stop signals before you begin, and take time to prepare for any unfamiliar physical practice. A great date on your terms always includes a shared “yes”.
In this issue — all 13 practices
1. Hair Pulling
You may already have tried this beginner-level BDSM practice: hair pulling. Many people instinctively reach for their partner’s hair in a moment of passion.
We suggest hair pulling as one way to begin exploring kink. It is simple, requires no toys, and can be as gentle or as rough as you want it to be.
Of course, this practice, like any other kind of BDSM play, needs to be discussed beforehand. Do not suddenly grab someone’s hair and yank it. Before trying anything, we recommend working through a “yes, no, maybe” list to make sure you and your partner understand each other’s desires and boundaries.
2. Light Spanking
Spanking is certainly a common fantasy. One in three of our customers visits the Impact Toys section of our website. Starting with gentle BDSM play can be a good idea, with the option of gradually increasing the intensity. Begin with your hands, then introduce toys as you and your partner or partners gain experience.
Some people enjoy being told to count the strikes they are going to receive. For them, it is not only about pain, but also about power.
Spanking does not necessarily have to be limited to the buttocks. Many people also enjoy slaps around the genital area.
Some people love a genuinely “thuddy”, heavy spank, delivered with a hand or paddle. Because the impact moves muscle and fatty tissue so close to the genitals, it can add sexual excitement even for someone who was not thinking about the front of their body when the spanking began.
3. Consensual Name-Calling
You can introduce more aggressive language into your play. Words such as “slut”, “whore”, “idiot”, “wimp” and “b*tch” can be starting points. However, derogatory names must be agreed upon in advance: what excites one person may be completely off-putting to another.
Another important use of words is to slow the play down rather than turn it up: safewords. A safeword is a word that would not normally come up during sexual play. If someone says it, that is a signal to slow down or stop the scene.
People often use “red”, “yellow” and “green”, like traffic lights. “Green” means keep going, “yellow” means slow down, and “red” means stop everything completely.
4. Bondage with a Scarf
Many people fantasise about bondage, and scarves can be an appealing starting point because they are soft and it is harder to cause serious harm with them than with, for example, ropes or handcuffs. Plenty of people would like to try it. However, an inexperienced bondage enthusiast can seriously hurt someone by using rope incorrectly, from restricting circulation to creating a tie that cannot be undone. If you are just beginning, the suggestion here is to start with scarves.
The main advice is to make sure you can slide two fingers between the tie and the skin, so circulation is not cut off, as that can cause real harm. Choose a scarf strong enough to withstand a little tension, and enjoy yourselves.
5. Under-the-Mattress Restraints
When you are ready to move on from scarves to other accessories, we suggest trying an under-the-mattress restraint system or leather restraints. They make it easier to restrain someone without pausing to work out knots. They can also be undone quickly, so you do not have to worry about knots tightening until they become difficult to release. That is a major advantage for beginners.
Even if you simply caress each other and do nothing else, handing over control of your body, if you have never tried it before, can be an exciting introduction to BDSM.
6. Calling Your Partner “Sir” or “Ma’am”
Alongside more aggressive language, you can try forms of address such as “Sir” or “Ma’am” to help set the mood. This is a simple way to establish roles in a dominance and submission scene and stay immersed in the fantasy.
Another advantage is that it costs nothing and requires no extra equipment. “Sir” and “Ma’am” offer a simple, inexpensive way to explore this kind of BDSM dynamic with your partner without significant physical impact.
7. Biting
Biting can be a way to start exploring these games because it lets you discover different levels of pain. Like using particular words, it requires neither equipment nor any spending by you or your partner.
It is essential to discuss biting beforehand. That conversation should include the possibility of marks on the body. Some people like them, while others definitely do not, so find out how your partner feels before using your teeth.
You should also explain clearly, before you begin, how hard you would like to be bitten. You can even make it into a fun, slightly playful exercise: your partner tries different levels of intensity so you can work out what feels right and what does not.
8. Dominance and Submission Role Play
In BDSM, “subbing” means taking a submissive sexual role, while “topping” refers to taking the dominant role. But you do not have to jump straight into elaborate costumes and whips. You can explore these roles gradually by adding a few elements to sexual activities you probably already enjoy.
Even something as simple as giving oral sex with your hands tied behind your back can be an exciting beginner-level practice for someone who is only starting to explore. Other possibilities include begging for sex or punishment, adopting a submissive position, or asking your partner to take that position.
9. Playing with “Pervertibles”
We love so-called “pervertibles”: everyday objects that can be turned into toys. Wooden spoons, brushes and kitchen spatulas are examples, along with thinner objects such as canes, narrow belts and metal-edged rulers if you want to leave marks. One of the appealing things about these objects is that only fellow kink enthusiasts will recognise their other purpose. It is like a secret signal for those in the know.
Different materials create different sensations, though. Something one person enjoys may be entirely unappealing to someone else.
When choosing implements for impact play, remember that some are thinner or made from materials with firmer edges. Latex, for example, can produce a sharper, stingier sensation. Softer materials such as suede, or wider implements, generally create a more “thuddy” impact. Some people prefer one kind of sensation over the other.
10. Blindfolded Sensory Play
We suggest exploring sensory play with a blindfold. What does that mean? Essentially, you lightly restrict your partner’s movement, or they do the same to you, depending on your preferences, put on a blindfold and introduce different sensations using different objects. You might stroke their body with a feather, pinch, spank or tease them towards the edge of orgasm.
The idea is that the person without the blindfold controls what happens, while the blindfolded person hands over that control. For the person who cannot see, being unable to watch what is happening can make every physical sensation feel more intense.
11. Floggers
A flogger is a type of whip, with a braided leather handle and many braided tails. It is used for impact play, meaning different types of striking. Some people enjoy using both ends of a flogger to explore a variety of sensations.
A flogger is more like BDSM level 1.1 than 1.0. Still, we suggest it for beginners too: the pain is not necessarily very intense, but its intimidating appearance can add to the experience. A leather paddle or belt is another option. Save the cane for later, when you have a little more experience, because that sh*t hurts.
12. Nipple Clamps
Clamps that can be adjusted and removed quickly can be a way to start exploring pain thresholds. At first, the suggestion is to try them on the nipples, stomach and inner thighs, gradually learning your own limits or those of your partner.
As the blood returns, the nerves seem to say, “Hang on, what?” For someone who does not enjoy intense sensations, this can be quite painful. When removing a clamp, try doing something that draws attention elsewhere. For example, if you remove one from a nipple, immediately begin sucking or licking the nipple. Or do something with another part of the body that can shift their attention, such as touching the clitoris or adding spanking if they enjoy it. Redirecting attention away from that sensation can be a useful approach.
13. Wax Play
Candle wax is another kind of play that can look intimidating without necessarily being so. It need not be very painful and can be an exciting way to become familiar with pain and explore it. The key point is to learn about different types of candles beforehand, because some burn hotter than others, and those are the ones to avoid.
